1-11-11
I don't really have anything to say ... I just wanted to be able to look back and see that I'd written something on 1-11-11 because I'll never see another one of those in my life. Yes, I know that next year there will be a 12-12-12 ... but who knows if I'll even be here? For that matter ... word on the street is we're all outta here in 2012. Just sayin ....
A friend posted as her facebook status today that it was a 'unique day - a day for new beginnings' along with the verse from Isaiah that says "Don't dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" (I think it's Isaiah 43:18, but I'm not taking time to check that right this minute).
I wonder why we assign specific days or numbers to new 'resolve'. I like that people do it -- I like that I can say, "well, it's now 1-11-11 ... anything I didn't set as a goal on 1-1-11 can be set today", but shouldn't every day be a day to start new? If I mess up today I ought not wait until 3-3-33 or whatever, to make a positive change.
I'm going to try harder to realize that every day is a special day even if it isn't numerically 'unique'. I'm going to try harder to let yesterday be yesterday and to look forward to tomorrow and the tomorrows after that without fear or dread. And mostly, I'm going to try harder to make today the best it can be...for me and everybody around me. And as for the 'word on the street' ... bring it. I'm ready. :)
jm
1-11-11
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Focus Dailies
I have not 'blogged' in awhile (by definition, it's a computer task) - but I have written. You know ... that thing you do with pen and paper -- ideally at the end of the day -- in a spiral notebook that stays beside your bed -- the one that has doodles and scriptures and lyrics to songs -- quotes and the occasional dark smear that was once an angry outburst, but for which you were ashamed later so you tried to erase it, or wrote over it with a sharpie .... Everybody has one of these, right? If not, don't tell me -- I don't want to appear odd.
Just because I haven't written 'bloggishly' ... I have still had things I want to write about. Some I have, some I haven't -- some ideas are recurring and haven't been put on paper, but they weigh on my mind and my heart. There are things now that are too fresh to write about -- it doesn't mean I'm ignoring them ... I'm just pondering and praying. I know God is working - It just hurts to watch the process.
I have - for all intents and purposes - worn glasses since I was nine. I say that because they were prescribed when I was nine -- and in fourth grade. I wore them as I left the house in the morning, and when I got off the school bus I put them back on. However, .... well if you don't understand the mind of a nine-year-old, you are probably not mature enough to be reading this. By the age of ten the vision problems were severe enough that I was forced to wear the glasses on a daily basis. I hated them. H.A.T.E.D them. I wore glasses all through school - even into my freshman year at college. At nineteen I got contact lenses and have worn them since. The versions have changed over the years (so has my vision ... ahem ...), but the assistance has been necessary since I was nine.
The contacts I wear now are called "Focus Dailies". O that t'were true....
What a lovely thought -- focus -- new every day. At night, I take out these pieces of plastic that have lain on my eyeballs all day -- and I throw them away. They have helped me clearly see the things I needed to see. They have provided me the vision to see things I sometimes wish I hadn't. They are clouded, by the end of the day, with dust and pollen and whatever else it is that gets in your eyes and makes those little specks and blobs that settle in the corners. But, every night before I go to bed, I take those contacts out and I toss them in the trash. The next morning I put in a new pair of 'Focus Dailies' ... and I see fresh and clear all over again - without the yuck of the day before to make my vision murky and blurry.
Some mornings when I put in a contact, it doesn't feel 'right'. Usually, when this happens, I take the lens out, hold it up on my finger, and check to see if it was put in 'upside down'. Contacts are funny that way. You have to put them in with the sides turned up - sort of like a bowl. If the sides go up and dip out, there's a problem. I have no idea why. That's just the way it is. If you are having trouble understanding what I'm saying, you have probably never worn contacts. You can stick with this vague comparison, or move on...your choice.
So, a couple weeks ago, I was putting in my contacts and one of them felt scratchy. I waited a few minutes thinking it was just morning and my eyes needed to adjust, then decided it was worth checking. I took the contact out, held it on my finger with just the center of the 'bowl' touching, and took a look. Hmmm... I couldn't tell if it was a bowl with a lip, or a straight sided bowl. Is that right? It looks right. Well... then again ... Dang it .... I don't know! The only way to tell was to turn the darn thing the other way. So I did. There it was -- the bit of a dip to the outside (honestly, it's indiscernible -- I have no idea how people who already can't see are supposed to be able to find that!). Nonetheless -- I saw that the lens was indeed the right way to begin with, so I flipped it back over -- the way it was to start with, replaced it on my eye -- and -- all good.
How many times has that happened to me? A lot. You can't wear contacts the number of years I have and not gone through that at least three times a week. Lens feels scratchy, remove it from eye, check it for the right shape, and put it back in eye. Simple - and very un-thought-provoking. Until that day a couple weeks ago....
Wow -- I had to see that wrong before I could tell it was right. I couldn't tell, until I had flipped the silly lens over, that it was already in the right position to start with.
Have to see it wrong before I see it right ... well, I put the lens back in my eye, but the thought stuck in my head all that day (and obviously has remained there ever since - poor thing). I saw that same concept applied with my students' work. Four answer choices... If you don't know the right one, find the wrong ones. It will at least narrow down your options.
If you've never met me, or read previous writing, you may not know that worry and doubt and 'what if' are my Goliath. I'm telling you that now. (For confirmation please see post number ... well, that would probably be all of them.) So, it seems that when I get a little mind-jolting revelation from something ordinary, it pertains to the problem areas in my spiritual life.
Maybe God wants me to see it wrong sometimes. Maybe hurting and crying and worrying are the scratchy lens. I don't like how it feels. It's not pleasant. I'll take it out -- check it again -- no, it's right. It's all good. It's the way God wants it to be ... it was just unpleasant for awhile. Like my vision, life's not perfect. If I could see, I wouldn't need the lenses to start with. If my life was perfect, I would think I never needed God.
I do. I absolutely require those contacts to function. Without them I would be blind. I need God. Even when things don't seem to be going right, are awkward, unhappy, painful ... it's still good. It's in place, going the right direction ... for awhile, it just isn't comfortable.
My 'Focus Dailies' are the best solution for my physical impairment. If I put them in wrong, that's my fault. They can only serve their purpose when situated correctly. If I don't put them in at all, well I'm probably going to stumble and squint - things will most definitely not be clear. You make the analogy. I have to go take out my contacts.
JM-1.10.11
Just because I haven't written 'bloggishly' ... I have still had things I want to write about. Some I have, some I haven't -- some ideas are recurring and haven't been put on paper, but they weigh on my mind and my heart. There are things now that are too fresh to write about -- it doesn't mean I'm ignoring them ... I'm just pondering and praying. I know God is working - It just hurts to watch the process.
I have - for all intents and purposes - worn glasses since I was nine. I say that because they were prescribed when I was nine -- and in fourth grade. I wore them as I left the house in the morning, and when I got off the school bus I put them back on. However, .... well if you don't understand the mind of a nine-year-old, you are probably not mature enough to be reading this. By the age of ten the vision problems were severe enough that I was forced to wear the glasses on a daily basis. I hated them. H.A.T.E.D them. I wore glasses all through school - even into my freshman year at college. At nineteen I got contact lenses and have worn them since. The versions have changed over the years (so has my vision ... ahem ...), but the assistance has been necessary since I was nine.
The contacts I wear now are called "Focus Dailies". O that t'were true....
What a lovely thought -- focus -- new every day. At night, I take out these pieces of plastic that have lain on my eyeballs all day -- and I throw them away. They have helped me clearly see the things I needed to see. They have provided me the vision to see things I sometimes wish I hadn't. They are clouded, by the end of the day, with dust and pollen and whatever else it is that gets in your eyes and makes those little specks and blobs that settle in the corners. But, every night before I go to bed, I take those contacts out and I toss them in the trash. The next morning I put in a new pair of 'Focus Dailies' ... and I see fresh and clear all over again - without the yuck of the day before to make my vision murky and blurry.
Some mornings when I put in a contact, it doesn't feel 'right'. Usually, when this happens, I take the lens out, hold it up on my finger, and check to see if it was put in 'upside down'. Contacts are funny that way. You have to put them in with the sides turned up - sort of like a bowl. If the sides go up and dip out, there's a problem. I have no idea why. That's just the way it is. If you are having trouble understanding what I'm saying, you have probably never worn contacts. You can stick with this vague comparison, or move on...your choice.
So, a couple weeks ago, I was putting in my contacts and one of them felt scratchy. I waited a few minutes thinking it was just morning and my eyes needed to adjust, then decided it was worth checking. I took the contact out, held it on my finger with just the center of the 'bowl' touching, and took a look. Hmmm... I couldn't tell if it was a bowl with a lip, or a straight sided bowl. Is that right? It looks right. Well... then again ... Dang it .... I don't know! The only way to tell was to turn the darn thing the other way. So I did. There it was -- the bit of a dip to the outside (honestly, it's indiscernible -- I have no idea how people who already can't see are supposed to be able to find that!). Nonetheless -- I saw that the lens was indeed the right way to begin with, so I flipped it back over -- the way it was to start with, replaced it on my eye -- and -- all good.
How many times has that happened to me? A lot. You can't wear contacts the number of years I have and not gone through that at least three times a week. Lens feels scratchy, remove it from eye, check it for the right shape, and put it back in eye. Simple - and very un-thought-provoking. Until that day a couple weeks ago....
Wow -- I had to see that wrong before I could tell it was right. I couldn't tell, until I had flipped the silly lens over, that it was already in the right position to start with.
Have to see it wrong before I see it right ... well, I put the lens back in my eye, but the thought stuck in my head all that day (and obviously has remained there ever since - poor thing). I saw that same concept applied with my students' work. Four answer choices... If you don't know the right one, find the wrong ones. It will at least narrow down your options.
If you've never met me, or read previous writing, you may not know that worry and doubt and 'what if' are my Goliath. I'm telling you that now. (For confirmation please see post number ... well, that would probably be all of them.) So, it seems that when I get a little mind-jolting revelation from something ordinary, it pertains to the problem areas in my spiritual life.
Maybe God wants me to see it wrong sometimes. Maybe hurting and crying and worrying are the scratchy lens. I don't like how it feels. It's not pleasant. I'll take it out -- check it again -- no, it's right. It's all good. It's the way God wants it to be ... it was just unpleasant for awhile. Like my vision, life's not perfect. If I could see, I wouldn't need the lenses to start with. If my life was perfect, I would think I never needed God.
I do. I absolutely require those contacts to function. Without them I would be blind. I need God. Even when things don't seem to be going right, are awkward, unhappy, painful ... it's still good. It's in place, going the right direction ... for awhile, it just isn't comfortable.
My 'Focus Dailies' are the best solution for my physical impairment. If I put them in wrong, that's my fault. They can only serve their purpose when situated correctly. If I don't put them in at all, well I'm probably going to stumble and squint - things will most definitely not be clear. You make the analogy. I have to go take out my contacts.
JM-1.10.11
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ripples
Blah Blah .... I think of all these things during the day - and sometimes at night - then when I come to write something for the blog, I realize I can't say what I want to say without divulging situations that involve other people. People who might get quite annoyed with me if they became aware of the fact that they were my topic of the day or even on my mind.
I guess that's why Jesus spoke in parables? No - He probably didn't care if someone knew he was using them as an object lesson. He would have been in their face anyway saying, "Do you realize what you're putting other people through?" "Do you see how your choices move like ripples on a pond and affect people who may not even KNOW you!" "Do you see what a dumb ass you are being?" ... Well, Jesus may not have said that anyway -- unless he was actually talking to a stubborn donkey.
There are people I pray for who don't even know they are on my heart. It feels sort of like being an anonymous donor ... you kind of want them to know you're doing something for their good ... but not really.
Most of the people for whom I pray are young adults. Maybe that's because I have two of those in my own home and I see the angst they deal with, and I hear (I'm sure a small percentage) what some of their friends live with and worry about. It bothers me that for many of these situations I don't really even know what to pray. The most common, when I can actually verbalize something are "change hearts", "open eyes", "open doors" .... Of course, in the lives of my own children, or people close to them, I want to jump in and fix it for them -- help them bypass some of the torment and unnecessary (in my mind) bumps in their road of life. In my 'mature' mind, I would have been grateful and happy for someone to have intervened ... helped me through the ups and downs, the sadness, the valleys, the hurts .... In my realistic mind I know that I would have rejected any assistance, information or direction that disrupted my own handling of growing-up problems. I DID reject these things. Sometimes blatantly.
I have come to understand that there were (and most likely are) "anonymous donors" in my life. They were (are) wise enough to know that personal interference into the things that cause me anxiety would be rebuffed and considered invasion. I can't ever thank these people for their prayers, but I can pass forward their generous donations of intercession on my behalf. God knows who they are -- the ones who prayed for me, and the ones I cry for now.
I guess that's why Jesus spoke in parables? No - He probably didn't care if someone knew he was using them as an object lesson. He would have been in their face anyway saying, "Do you realize what you're putting other people through?" "Do you see how your choices move like ripples on a pond and affect people who may not even KNOW you!" "Do you see what a dumb ass you are being?" ... Well, Jesus may not have said that anyway -- unless he was actually talking to a stubborn donkey.
There are people I pray for who don't even know they are on my heart. It feels sort of like being an anonymous donor ... you kind of want them to know you're doing something for their good ... but not really.
Most of the people for whom I pray are young adults. Maybe that's because I have two of those in my own home and I see the angst they deal with, and I hear (I'm sure a small percentage) what some of their friends live with and worry about. It bothers me that for many of these situations I don't really even know what to pray. The most common, when I can actually verbalize something are "change hearts", "open eyes", "open doors" .... Of course, in the lives of my own children, or people close to them, I want to jump in and fix it for them -- help them bypass some of the torment and unnecessary (in my mind) bumps in their road of life. In my 'mature' mind, I would have been grateful and happy for someone to have intervened ... helped me through the ups and downs, the sadness, the valleys, the hurts .... In my realistic mind I know that I would have rejected any assistance, information or direction that disrupted my own handling of growing-up problems. I DID reject these things. Sometimes blatantly.
I have come to understand that there were (and most likely are) "anonymous donors" in my life. They were (are) wise enough to know that personal interference into the things that cause me anxiety would be rebuffed and considered invasion. I can't ever thank these people for their prayers, but I can pass forward their generous donations of intercession on my behalf. God knows who they are -- the ones who prayed for me, and the ones I cry for now.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Keep a weather eye....
Is it July 20 yet? No? Ahhh.. GREAT -- because that would mean I haven't written for a month and ... what? WHAT? It IS July 20th? Ok -- well, in the words of Emily LaTella (aka: Gilda Radner, SNL, 1976) ... "never mind".
In a sense it's been a relaxing summer. The 'in a sense' should be an indication that there has been some measure of NONrelaxation, but not enough to say "it's been a busy summer". Kevin and I made a financially unsound decision to go on a cruise this summer. Our 30th anniversary (yes, we were married at the age of 5) is this fall, but it's never a good time to try to take a trip, so this was our celebration. It was our first cruise and ... I suppose everything a cruise is supposed to be. Never having been on one, I could only compare it to The Love Boat series from whatever decade that was. I never saw one person play shuffleboard; our cruise director was male; and that guy from Barney Miller was not on board reuniting with an old flame. In that regard, it was very un-cruise-like. However -- it met most of our other expectations. :) Kev snorkeled with our friends who were also on the cruise. I, not being the snorkeling fan (hellooooo -- fish swipe up against your legs!) rented a fantastic mat and floated off the beach in water so blue it almost looked fake. We ate food displayed in impressive manners, saw Nassau for the first time, watched the moon over the ocean, ... I don't think anybody actually shouted "I'm king of the world"...but we did stand on the bow of the ship with the wind blowing our faces.
I do enjoy going new places - but mostly I enjoy being new places. The going part is a necessary evil. The two hour drive to Dallas, the three hour flight to Florida -- I could just do without all that. I even love to fly - but I'd like to be able to leave when I'm ready to and that just isn't possible on a plane. I've never tried it, but I'm fairly certain there are rules. A cruise is different -- while you're getting where you're going - you're also already where you were headed. The vacation destination for 100 days was "the cruise". So even though we went different places, as we traveled to them, we were actually already at our "destination". I'm trying to apply this to my disenchantment with "the journey" part of life. I'm always worrying about what is going to happen -- I want to know. Not necessarily details - just that it's all going to be ok. I don't like being on my WAY there.
I wonder if I could talk myself into a life-cruise.... This IS the destination ... the living - the day to day - sitting in a deck chair (figuratively) enjoying the wind and the waves. I'm headed other places, but I can enjoy where I am now without knowing what those islands look like. A good friend said to me once, "Joni, you KNOW how it all turns out." Yes -- I've seen the brochures of the paradise. I've been told about it. I know there are palm trees and white sand, hammocks and blue water. But what if a storm blows over and gets us off track? What if there are pirates that come aboard and steal our joy? What if we sink? What if.... ? I guess if all these things happen, the island will still be there. And the Captain promised to get me to the island. He did not promise a trip with no pirate attacks or storms, He promised a cruise. I'm going to try really hard to relax and enjoy the smooth water we're having today - and not worry about potential pirate attacks. :)
In a sense it's been a relaxing summer. The 'in a sense' should be an indication that there has been some measure of NONrelaxation, but not enough to say "it's been a busy summer". Kevin and I made a financially unsound decision to go on a cruise this summer. Our 30th anniversary (yes, we were married at the age of 5) is this fall, but it's never a good time to try to take a trip, so this was our celebration. It was our first cruise and ... I suppose everything a cruise is supposed to be. Never having been on one, I could only compare it to The Love Boat series from whatever decade that was. I never saw one person play shuffleboard; our cruise director was male; and that guy from Barney Miller was not on board reuniting with an old flame. In that regard, it was very un-cruise-like. However -- it met most of our other expectations. :) Kev snorkeled with our friends who were also on the cruise. I, not being the snorkeling fan (hellooooo -- fish swipe up against your legs!) rented a fantastic mat and floated off the beach in water so blue it almost looked fake. We ate food displayed in impressive manners, saw Nassau for the first time, watched the moon over the ocean, ... I don't think anybody actually shouted "I'm king of the world"...but we did stand on the bow of the ship with the wind blowing our faces.
I do enjoy going new places - but mostly I enjoy being new places. The going part is a necessary evil. The two hour drive to Dallas, the three hour flight to Florida -- I could just do without all that. I even love to fly - but I'd like to be able to leave when I'm ready to and that just isn't possible on a plane. I've never tried it, but I'm fairly certain there are rules. A cruise is different -- while you're getting where you're going - you're also already where you were headed. The vacation destination for 100 days was "the cruise". So even though we went different places, as we traveled to them, we were actually already at our "destination". I'm trying to apply this to my disenchantment with "the journey" part of life. I'm always worrying about what is going to happen -- I want to know. Not necessarily details - just that it's all going to be ok. I don't like being on my WAY there.
I wonder if I could talk myself into a life-cruise.... This IS the destination ... the living - the day to day - sitting in a deck chair (figuratively) enjoying the wind and the waves. I'm headed other places, but I can enjoy where I am now without knowing what those islands look like. A good friend said to me once, "Joni, you KNOW how it all turns out." Yes -- I've seen the brochures of the paradise. I've been told about it. I know there are palm trees and white sand, hammocks and blue water. But what if a storm blows over and gets us off track? What if there are pirates that come aboard and steal our joy? What if we sink? What if.... ? I guess if all these things happen, the island will still be there. And the Captain promised to get me to the island. He did not promise a trip with no pirate attacks or storms, He promised a cruise. I'm going to try really hard to relax and enjoy the smooth water we're having today - and not worry about potential pirate attacks. :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
what shows up ....
Well, let's see what happens when I open up the blog to write and have no plan....
It's winter. It's cold - which is relative, because I suppose if we lived in Canada this might feel springish, but to me, it's cold. It snowed last night and this morning, and my only venture out was to the back porch to bring in sticks of firewood throughout the day. My husband works in the weather...120 degrees, or 20 degrees -- he's out in it - and he doesn't complain. When I'm 'miserable' because of the weather, I think about what he does...and I'm not sure how he does it ... but I know why.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately -- why people do what they do. Like - make choices to go into a certain field of study - then complain about the work load, the length of time it takes to finish, and the teachers. Choose a career, or do whatever it takes to get a specific job -- then gripe about the hours, the pay, the demands. Wait and date -- looking for the perfect mate -- then get disgusted, nag, cheat, and eventually leave to start the whole process over again. Have children -- then complain about every phase of their lives. What are we looking for? Perfection? Where is that? Why are we so selfish? We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it...and when we're tired of it, we want it gone. Gee...what babies we are!
I have been in that 'whiny baby' frame of mind a 'few' times. I am blessed with so much; still there are times I find myself in the ungrateful and unsettled mode of wanting life all in place, planned out, smooth sailing .... everybody's dreams coming true and all of us happy -all the time. Like Burger King ... Fix it my way. I suppose if it could actually work like that there would either be nothing else to hope for -- or I'd find something else to hope for.
I used to direct the children's choir at our church and I remember this line from a song the kids sang: "Happiness depends on a happening. Joy depends on Jesus."
My husband is a 'joy' guy. He may be sweating or freezing, but he finds the joy in his work because he is proud of what he does and thankful for the job that provides for his family - which is where his heart is - even when he's hundreds of miles away. I'm glad God gives me enough happenings to be happy -- and I guess I'm even thankful that sometimes things don't go my way so the line from the song can remind me that happiness and joy are not the same.
jm
It's winter. It's cold - which is relative, because I suppose if we lived in Canada this might feel springish, but to me, it's cold. It snowed last night and this morning, and my only venture out was to the back porch to bring in sticks of firewood throughout the day. My husband works in the weather...120 degrees, or 20 degrees -- he's out in it - and he doesn't complain. When I'm 'miserable' because of the weather, I think about what he does...and I'm not sure how he does it ... but I know why.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately -- why people do what they do. Like - make choices to go into a certain field of study - then complain about the work load, the length of time it takes to finish, and the teachers. Choose a career, or do whatever it takes to get a specific job -- then gripe about the hours, the pay, the demands. Wait and date -- looking for the perfect mate -- then get disgusted, nag, cheat, and eventually leave to start the whole process over again. Have children -- then complain about every phase of their lives. What are we looking for? Perfection? Where is that? Why are we so selfish? We want what we want, when we want it, how we want it...and when we're tired of it, we want it gone. Gee...what babies we are!
I have been in that 'whiny baby' frame of mind a 'few' times. I am blessed with so much; still there are times I find myself in the ungrateful and unsettled mode of wanting life all in place, planned out, smooth sailing .... everybody's dreams coming true and all of us happy -all the time. Like Burger King ... Fix it my way. I suppose if it could actually work like that there would either be nothing else to hope for -- or I'd find something else to hope for.
I used to direct the children's choir at our church and I remember this line from a song the kids sang: "Happiness depends on a happening. Joy depends on Jesus."
My husband is a 'joy' guy. He may be sweating or freezing, but he finds the joy in his work because he is proud of what he does and thankful for the job that provides for his family - which is where his heart is - even when he's hundreds of miles away. I'm glad God gives me enough happenings to be happy -- and I guess I'm even thankful that sometimes things don't go my way so the line from the song can remind me that happiness and joy are not the same.
jm
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What a wonderful world....
When I go to sleep at night, my mind goes freaky. Sometimes I make myself get up and write down some of my more "deep thoughts" or "really great ideas" (things that usually are neither deep nor great when I read them the next morning). The brain just sort of whirls around and floats (sometimes zooms) from one thing to another in no particular pattern. It won't stop. Even at my most exhausted, I have trouble sleeping and I've had this problem since I was a child. Awhile ago I was prescribed a wonderful little pill that helps me through the night (didn't Tammy Wynette or someone write a song about that?). Brain still does its stupid lie-down-go-crazy thing ... but now when I realize I can't go another night without sleep, I can escape to lala land with my sleeping aid. It doesn't take long --- but between awake and asleep there is this window of ... I don't know what ... it's almost like my brain is going .. "NOoooo... I have all these things I was going to say during the night and now...you're -- shutting -- me off and ..........zzzz..... I won't be ---- able to ----- ........ "
Everything that was GOING to flood my mind during the night comes on in a mad, rushing current of ideas and creative thoughts; problems and solutions to problems; replayed conversations and 'should'a saids/should'a dones' -- all in less than 10 minutes .... Then, I go to a place where I don't dream or think or ... sometimes I wonder if I even breathe. And I am curious about that place. Where is it I go that my mind can completely turn off? It's really incomprehensible to me because I don't recall EVER in my life sleeping to the point that I was unaware of the fact that there was some movement in the room or that I was having a thought. Even dreams have always been shrouded with a sense of "this isn't real ... it's a dream, but I know it's going to continue." I'm torn between wanting that medicated total peace at night so that I can function in the day -- and wanting control of my brain.
I'm pretty sure there is some sort of spiritual application, and most definitely a psychological explanation for my condition. I even suspect what it is -- but I don't know how to fix it. I don't really know when or why I started thinking that anything I do will change the past -- or the future. Raised in a Christian home one thing that is absolutely embedded is "God is in control". Well -- yes, to a point, but I'm sure He needs me. He needs my input, my worry, my solutions ... because goodness knows if He hears all that, He can and will change the past, right? Seriously??? I mean - I KNOW better! Does it stop me? (rhetorical - but if you feel a need for clarification, the answer is 'no')
I am aware of those verses we are supposed to learn -- the ones to back up the suggestions (because isn't that all they are?) that I not worry. There are the "lilies of the field and birds of the air" (really? what does a lily care and how many times does a bird have confrontations in relationships? ).... How about the ever-popular "I know the plans I have for you ...." Do we understand that was Jehovah God talking to the people of Israel through the prophet Jeremiah in a particular circumstance. I wasn't there. I've never seen my name in that verse - (although the boys in Junior Choir did used to sing my name in place of Jonah in a song about that prophet -- but I digress -- which is really funny when you think about it because this whole blog is a digression).
I question. A lot. And I know that I'm supposed to able to choose to believe ... to choose to have faith ... to choose to give up control. But it's probably my greatest struggle in life -- A mixed blessing because I have gained much from my need to question and know and understand. On the other hand, this quality (perhaps it's just a 'trait' and not a 'quality' which has a more positive connotation than I care to use when referring to my faults) has produced more tears, stressful conditions, sleepless nights and worrisome days than I want to admit.
I don't feel like I'm going to change. As much as I would like to be free from my need to repair the past and control the future -- I haven't yet figured out how to "choose" to not worry. I don't know how to pause my head enough to sleep at night. Isn't it sort of like telling someone to choose to not be missing a limb. Nothing they can do about it -- It just is. I can't choose how tall I am, or the fact that I am pathetically nearsighted. Why are we preached to and preached to about our lack of faith being the reason for our worry? Mountains of books have been written about the topic. I own some of them -- I can see them on my bookshelf right now. And I want to smirk -- because I really like to think that all those authors take Ambien.
Everything that was GOING to flood my mind during the night comes on in a mad, rushing current of ideas and creative thoughts; problems and solutions to problems; replayed conversations and 'should'a saids/should'a dones' -- all in less than 10 minutes .... Then, I go to a place where I don't dream or think or ... sometimes I wonder if I even breathe. And I am curious about that place. Where is it I go that my mind can completely turn off? It's really incomprehensible to me because I don't recall EVER in my life sleeping to the point that I was unaware of the fact that there was some movement in the room or that I was having a thought. Even dreams have always been shrouded with a sense of "this isn't real ... it's a dream, but I know it's going to continue." I'm torn between wanting that medicated total peace at night so that I can function in the day -- and wanting control of my brain.
I'm pretty sure there is some sort of spiritual application, and most definitely a psychological explanation for my condition. I even suspect what it is -- but I don't know how to fix it. I don't really know when or why I started thinking that anything I do will change the past -- or the future. Raised in a Christian home one thing that is absolutely embedded is "God is in control". Well -- yes, to a point, but I'm sure He needs me. He needs my input, my worry, my solutions ... because goodness knows if He hears all that, He can and will change the past, right? Seriously??? I mean - I KNOW better! Does it stop me? (rhetorical - but if you feel a need for clarification, the answer is 'no')
I am aware of those verses we are supposed to learn -- the ones to back up the suggestions (because isn't that all they are?) that I not worry. There are the "lilies of the field and birds of the air" (really? what does a lily care and how many times does a bird have confrontations in relationships? ).... How about the ever-popular "I know the plans I have for you ...." Do we understand that was Jehovah God talking to the people of Israel through the prophet Jeremiah in a particular circumstance. I wasn't there. I've never seen my name in that verse - (although the boys in Junior Choir did used to sing my name in place of Jonah in a song about that prophet -- but I digress -- which is really funny when you think about it because this whole blog is a digression).
I question. A lot. And I know that I'm supposed to able to choose to believe ... to choose to have faith ... to choose to give up control. But it's probably my greatest struggle in life -- A mixed blessing because I have gained much from my need to question and know and understand. On the other hand, this quality (perhaps it's just a 'trait' and not a 'quality' which has a more positive connotation than I care to use when referring to my faults) has produced more tears, stressful conditions, sleepless nights and worrisome days than I want to admit.
I don't feel like I'm going to change. As much as I would like to be free from my need to repair the past and control the future -- I haven't yet figured out how to "choose" to not worry. I don't know how to pause my head enough to sleep at night. Isn't it sort of like telling someone to choose to not be missing a limb. Nothing they can do about it -- It just is. I can't choose how tall I am, or the fact that I am pathetically nearsighted. Why are we preached to and preached to about our lack of faith being the reason for our worry? Mountains of books have been written about the topic. I own some of them -- I can see them on my bookshelf right now. And I want to smirk -- because I really like to think that all those authors take Ambien.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Well, this is indeed "unfortunate" as my niece would say. I have only two followers? Really? And my blog is so current and intriguing. I don't get it!
Ok - getting real - I'm disappointed in myself for neglecting the blog for a (embarrassed cough, hand over mouth) whole year....Shame. Shame. Bad Blogger!
At the last writing, I was hoping to get a teaching job. The dream came true just a few weeks after that post. I was THRILLED to go to work at the Jr High where I had been an aide for three years. I can't really think of enough descriptive words that aren't overused to tell about my year. I teach 7th graders and you can go ahead and shudder or have whatever reaction comes naturally to you when you hear the words "7th graders", but I LOVE THEM! No - I'm not joking! And...I get to teach them reading and writing, which I also love! I know they spent most of the year wondering why the school was allowing a goober like Mrs. Murphree to be in charge of their education, but lo and behold, we all survived with great TAKS scores and they apparently learned things - so did I. :)
I have stories -- and as I remember them, I'll share.
For today - I'm here to confess the reason for my re-entrance into Blogland.
You know teachers are constantly having to attend "workshops". I'm pretty sure there could be a better word for these gatherings, because "work" isn't really done - it's all sitting and listening; and "shop" .. well, hello - I have YET to be allowed to "shop" at a workshop... nonetheless... they are attended by teachers and cover a variety of topics pertinent to the continuing education of ... well, educators. I do have to admit I usually leave with at least a snippet of useful information even though many of them are BOring!
This week I spent two days at a workshop to prepare me for taking the ESL supplement for my certification. Our presentor was from Chile. She knew that most of us were not where we wanted to be on a summer day, but she was delightful to listen to because of her accent. The information was intense - a lot to cram in for two days - and I'm sure I didn't absorb all I needed to, but it's sort of funny that some of the lessons I take away from workshops, sermons, programs, etc ... aren't necessarily those intended.
One minute piece of information shared at this workshop was that our first language is our language of emotion. The term was 'code sharing' .... someone with a different native language is speaking in English -- then they get angry or excited and start talking in their native language. Their emotions have taken over and the thing that comes natural emerges.
So - I'm thinking - I have a lot of things going on right now. Not big, blatant problems ... just "STUFF" ... You know how STUFF gets in the way of the nice, straight path we've planned for ourselves. Distractions, concerns, problems... things to occupy my mind and keep me awake at night - gnaw at my thoughts during the day. When something isn't working right - my instinct is to attempt to fix it. As I consider this character trait, I have to admit that rarely does my "fix" work except to make me feel better...and sometimes not even that. :/
However, I think over my life since the age of 11 and realize that when things are rolling along at a nice pace, I do not write. If I do, it's just 'reporting'. When things get bumpy -- I write. Humor, sadness, tension, anger, worry, .... all these things (and more) bring about my need to put something on paper. The emotions take over and what comes naturally emerges. It's not even a choice.
I guess one thing that doesn't put me in the writing mood is exhaustion, and that's the thing I had the most of this past year. I did (and do) love what I do, but I rediscovered afternoon naps and early bedtimes. :) The funny, angry, worrisome moments were taken over by tiredness and I wish now I'd recorded more of those things as they happened instead of thinking I could catch up later.
For now - I'm going to try to blog each day to keep my STUFF balanced. I'm also going to read the blogs of others (friends - not like random political ravings and nastiness.... who needs that irritation!?).
Today's goal has been accomplished. haha.... I set the bar low today. ;) Hey - it's summer! And I got STUFF goin on! :)
jm
Ok - getting real - I'm disappointed in myself for neglecting the blog for a (embarrassed cough, hand over mouth) whole year....Shame. Shame. Bad Blogger!
At the last writing, I was hoping to get a teaching job. The dream came true just a few weeks after that post. I was THRILLED to go to work at the Jr High where I had been an aide for three years. I can't really think of enough descriptive words that aren't overused to tell about my year. I teach 7th graders and you can go ahead and shudder or have whatever reaction comes naturally to you when you hear the words "7th graders", but I LOVE THEM! No - I'm not joking! And...I get to teach them reading and writing, which I also love! I know they spent most of the year wondering why the school was allowing a goober like Mrs. Murphree to be in charge of their education, but lo and behold, we all survived with great TAKS scores and they apparently learned things - so did I. :)
I have stories -- and as I remember them, I'll share.
For today - I'm here to confess the reason for my re-entrance into Blogland.
You know teachers are constantly having to attend "workshops". I'm pretty sure there could be a better word for these gatherings, because "work" isn't really done - it's all sitting and listening; and "shop" .. well, hello - I have YET to be allowed to "shop" at a workshop... nonetheless... they are attended by teachers and cover a variety of topics pertinent to the continuing education of ... well, educators. I do have to admit I usually leave with at least a snippet of useful information even though many of them are BOring!
This week I spent two days at a workshop to prepare me for taking the ESL supplement for my certification. Our presentor was from Chile. She knew that most of us were not where we wanted to be on a summer day, but she was delightful to listen to because of her accent. The information was intense - a lot to cram in for two days - and I'm sure I didn't absorb all I needed to, but it's sort of funny that some of the lessons I take away from workshops, sermons, programs, etc ... aren't necessarily those intended.
One minute piece of information shared at this workshop was that our first language is our language of emotion. The term was 'code sharing' .... someone with a different native language is speaking in English -- then they get angry or excited and start talking in their native language. Their emotions have taken over and the thing that comes natural emerges.
So - I'm thinking - I have a lot of things going on right now. Not big, blatant problems ... just "STUFF" ... You know how STUFF gets in the way of the nice, straight path we've planned for ourselves. Distractions, concerns, problems... things to occupy my mind and keep me awake at night - gnaw at my thoughts during the day. When something isn't working right - my instinct is to attempt to fix it. As I consider this character trait, I have to admit that rarely does my "fix" work except to make me feel better...and sometimes not even that. :/
However, I think over my life since the age of 11 and realize that when things are rolling along at a nice pace, I do not write. If I do, it's just 'reporting'. When things get bumpy -- I write. Humor, sadness, tension, anger, worry, .... all these things (and more) bring about my need to put something on paper. The emotions take over and what comes naturally emerges. It's not even a choice.
I guess one thing that doesn't put me in the writing mood is exhaustion, and that's the thing I had the most of this past year. I did (and do) love what I do, but I rediscovered afternoon naps and early bedtimes. :) The funny, angry, worrisome moments were taken over by tiredness and I wish now I'd recorded more of those things as they happened instead of thinking I could catch up later.
For now - I'm going to try to blog each day to keep my STUFF balanced. I'm also going to read the blogs of others (friends - not like random political ravings and nastiness.... who needs that irritation!?).
Today's goal has been accomplished. haha.... I set the bar low today. ;) Hey - it's summer! And I got STUFF goin on! :)
jm
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