What a wonderful world....

When I go to sleep at night, my mind goes freaky. Sometimes I make myself get up and write down some of my more "deep thoughts" or "really great ideas" (things that usually are neither deep nor great when I read them the next morning). The brain just sort of whirls around and floats (sometimes zooms) from one thing to another in no particular pattern. It won't stop. Even at my most exhausted, I have trouble sleeping and I've had this problem since I was a child. Awhile ago I was prescribed a wonderful little pill that helps me through the night (didn't Tammy Wynette or someone write a song about that?). Brain still does its stupid lie-down-go-crazy thing ... but now when I realize I can't go another night without sleep, I can escape to lala land with my sleeping aid. It doesn't take long --- but between awake and asleep there is this window of ... I don't know what ... it's almost like my brain is going .. "NOoooo... I have all these things I was going to say during the night and now...you're -- shutting -- me off and ..........zzzz..... I won't be ---- able to ----- ........ "
Everything that was GOING to flood my mind during the night comes on in a mad, rushing current of ideas and creative thoughts; problems and solutions to problems; replayed conversations and 'should'a saids/should'a dones' -- all in less than 10 minutes .... Then, I go to a place where I don't dream or think or ... sometimes I wonder if I even breathe. And I am curious about that place. Where is it I go that my mind can completely turn off? It's really incomprehensible to me because I don't recall EVER in my life sleeping to the point that I was unaware of the fact that there was some movement in the room or that I was having a thought. Even dreams have always been shrouded with a sense of "this isn't real ... it's a dream, but I know it's going to continue." I'm torn between wanting that medicated total peace at night so that I can function in the day -- and wanting control of my brain.

I'm pretty sure there is some sort of spiritual application, and most definitely a psychological explanation for my condition. I even suspect what it is -- but I don't know how to fix it. I don't really know when or why I started thinking that anything I do will change the past -- or the future. Raised in a Christian home one thing that is absolutely embedded is "God is in control". Well -- yes, to a point, but I'm sure He needs me. He needs my input, my worry, my solutions ... because goodness knows if He hears all that, He can and will change the past, right? Seriously??? I mean - I KNOW better! Does it stop me? (rhetorical - but if you feel a need for clarification, the answer is 'no')

I am aware of those verses we are supposed to learn -- the ones to back up the suggestions (because isn't that all they are?) that I not worry. There are the "lilies of the field and birds of the air" (really? what does a lily care and how many times does a bird have confrontations in relationships? ).... How about the ever-popular "I know the plans I have for you ...." Do we understand that was Jehovah God talking to the people of Israel through the prophet Jeremiah in a particular circumstance. I wasn't there. I've never seen my name in that verse - (although the boys in Junior Choir did used to sing my name in place of Jonah in a song about that prophet -- but I digress -- which is really funny when you think about it because this whole blog is a digression).

I question. A lot. And I know that I'm supposed to able to choose to believe ... to choose to have faith ... to choose to give up control. But it's probably my greatest struggle in life -- A mixed blessing because I have gained much from my need to question and know and understand. On the other hand, this quality (perhaps it's just a 'trait' and not a 'quality' which has a more positive connotation than I care to use when referring to my faults) has produced more tears, stressful conditions, sleepless nights and worrisome days than I want to admit.

I don't feel like I'm going to change. As much as I would like to be free from my need to repair the past and control the future -- I haven't yet figured out how to "choose" to not worry. I don't know how to pause my head enough to sleep at night. Isn't it sort of like telling someone to choose to not be missing a limb. Nothing they can do about it -- It just is. I can't choose how tall I am, or the fact that I am pathetically nearsighted. Why are we preached to and preached to about our lack of faith being the reason for our worry? Mountains of books have been written about the topic. I own some of them -- I can see them on my bookshelf right now. And I want to smirk -- because I really like to think that all those authors take Ambien.