Rabid Koalas

But First: Lest my own children read this and be offended, let me say that you are THE BEST part of mine and Dad's lives. We are thankful EVERY day for both of you and we know that you are Blessings from God. You make us smile, you give us worry lines, you drive us crazy, you make us laugh, and you make us proud. More than anything, know that we love you...unconditionally and to infinity.
Plus one. <3 ...mom

Introduction:
*Some time ago a dear friend asked my opinion about having a baby after the age of 40. A recent conversation among co-workers brought to mind the response I sent her and I'm posting an edited and slightly less personal version of it here for 'wildlife' lovers everywhere. :)

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If ever I have given a response thought -- this is it. And I think mainly because it made me think/say some things that made me feel guilty. The point is, this will be free-form - what I think is what will come out. So don't go bustin' me for grammar infractions. Yes, I know better. :)

When my husband and I were engaged, we talked about a family – someday. I was in no hurry, and to be honest wasn’t even sure it had to be part of our future. It wasn't the inconvenience, or being pregnant, or any of that -- but I knew myself well enough to know that change was something I feared... Things growing up and changing, things dying, things being disappointing... We always joked that our first child was just divine intervention because we kept saying "well, maybe some day..." and all of a sudden we'd been married eight years and we were still saying "well, maybe some day..." Then Baby happened. And as the cliche goes -- Life Changed. We had such a dramatic start with her health-wise, that I'm not sure how long it took us to think about another baby, but I know that after awhile we knew we didn't want her to be by herself... enter Baby Two. :)

Key Phrase: Life Changed. Sometimes for better. Sometimes for worse. You are NEVER not thinking of them. EVER. And I don't think I'm different than other (what I consider to be) normal parents. I know there are those who never consider their kids -- and I know there are those who consider them way too much and if I fell to either side of that line it would probably be the latter ... still I don't think I'm obsessive with them.

This is the 'guilt' part - I think I might have been fine without having children; but I won't know and don't care to know... because once they were here, they took every ounce of my heart. I have cried more over their pain or their frustrating situations than I ever imagined possible. I have laughed til I hurt over some of their antics and comments. I have had deep conversations with them that make me proud of the young ladies they are. I have walked away from conversations thinking, "if I had no will-power whatsoever you’d have to pick yourself up off the ground for saying that!!" It is a self-less position to be a parent. The athletic kids at our school have a shirt that says, "Give Up the Me for the We" .... and I think that pretty much sums it up. I believe I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't be alright with just "having a baby" ... you'd be working toward the finished product and that is a long, drawn-out, fraught-with-every-emotion process. When we were expecting we used to say "We're having a person" and people weren't sure what that meant.... But they are babies for such a short amount of time -- then the real work starts. Forget feeding and diapering and teething and up-all-night.... That's the easy part. And that's the Now. Thirteen to fifteen years down the road (and beyond) is what you need to think about.
I have some suggestions for you to consider as you make your decision:

First - Get a puppy. Don't just have it for a weekend. Keep it for a few weeks. It will cry and whine. You'll have to cancel some things because it needs you. Hubby might go out of town and you'll have to take it with you to a meeting or some other function where people go, "it's ok! bring the puppy! I'll hold it!". The puppy will get a high fever and you'll have to call the vet first thing in the morning (if you can wait that long) and run to the pharmacy to pick up medicine that the puppy will promptly spit back up after you've given it so that now you wonder if you should re-give the medicine or just wait til the next dose is due... You won't sleep well and be a bit grumpy at times. You'll try to take a nap during the day when it's sleeping, but maybe the phone will ring and wake it up. You'll want to kill the person who called and you'll cry yourself because now the puppy is up and you know it won't go back to sleep and you can't see straight. You'll sit in the floor and play with it while you should be cooking dinner and Hubby will come home and not care because it's so cute and you love it so much that nothing else matters. That will be your experiment with babyhood.

After that - get a chimpanzee. See the havoc it wrecks on your house. Enjoy its funny behavior and the cuddles. It will get sick on you (and I mean ON you) once or twice, and you will love it enough to let vomit drip down your leg while you change its clothes. It will spill food and drink all over everything -- your car, house, clothing, etc. It will cut short shopping trips and vacations because you just can't deal with having it out in public anymore and you'll get home, carry it in the house let it cry in the living room while you call Hubby going, "I can't do this!" Then when he gets home, you and the chimp will be sitting outside in the porch swing looking at picture books and there will be such contentment with life that you won't be able to explain to him how horrible the day was. You should probably keep the chimp for a year.

Next you would probably go with something larger -- and rabid.
A koala maybe. A rabid koala. Cute, but dangerous. It would be old enough to take care of itself in the way of getting snacks and going potty. But wouldn't pick up after itself. It would stay in its room alone and you'd alternate between hoping it stays there, and wishing it would come out and spend time with you. If it does come out, you have to be prepared for the rabid behavior to manifest itself and to respond appropriately. And there is no consistent, concrete, appropriate response to rabid koala behavior. One time it might be that you have to say, "If you're going to act that way, just go be by yourself. Don't infect the rest of the family." Or it might be that you look at Hubby, roll your eyes and say, "Who wants ice cream?" ... Either of these can be effective, but you don't have a guidebook to let you know which one is working on that particular day, so prepare yourself for failure; have a plan B; and always be ready for an explosion or to walk away. Also - rabid koalas have a habit of getting up and removing themselves from a situation they find annoying, but as they leave the room, they mutter things to themselves that you're pretty sure are A) unkind (possibly profane), and B) aimed at you personally.
Warning: Do NOT ask the rabid koala what it just said. In fact, questioning of any kind is discouraged. Let it mutter itself up the stairs and stay there until it smells supper or knows its favorite show is coming on tv. It will wander back down at some point and maybe even be an enjoyable member of the family for a few hours. Do not expect good-night hugs and kisses from rabid koalas. Be pleasantly surprised if you get one and relish it because you may not get another for several weeks... (this is a disappointment because the chimp was always hanging on you giving kisses and hugs and you miss it).

Rabid koalas seem to fall into two categories - some get up early in the morning and go about their business. Others should not be disturbed - an alarm clock should be the only thing to wake them because any human disrupting their sleep runs the risk of being bitten. Neither type wants to be talked to in the morning. Talking to them brings out the rabid characteristics and it's better to prevent the behavior than to have to take measures to control it. Other notes about rabid koalas: All genders seem to be overly concerned about their hair. Do not question this. When in public, the rabid koala will not exhibit many of its negative characteristics. Other people will say you have the most wonderful koala in the world and that you should be proud. Chances are these people either do not have koalas of their own, or they are the owners of the variety that has dropped out of college, drinks regularly, has wrecked a car, or has gotten another koala pregnant. Many rabid koalas have at least one extended arm with an upturned paw. Research has shown that placing keys, money, or both into this paw will temporarily subdue the negative behavior of the animal.

I'm not sure what animal to suggest next. We still are a home with two rabid koalas. Think long and hard before you decide to open your own zoo. :D
jbm